8.63 – Touching the bottom

My priorities are not screwed on right. D:<

Quick, take the chapter before I change my mind!

Warning : PG-13 sensitive possibly triggering visual and descriptive material, and gore

A lot of my inspiration for the middle part of this chapter (Where Xavier’s POV starts) came from this song. Kept listening to it on repeat 🙂

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No one’s POV

Last night’s clothes were lying on the ground, witness to a night of discovery and amusement.

Light streamed inside the bedroom window, filtering past the closed eyelids of the sleeping couple, stirring their brains awake.

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If someone had told her yesterday that she’d wake up with a man’s arm wrapped around her, Erin would’ve replied in quite the unkind manner.

But that’s what had happened, and Erin’s eyes fluttered open, faintly aware of the warmth enveloping her and to whom it belonged.

As her bed companion began to wake up as well, she rolled to the side.

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Her eyes fully opened and she mirrored the ‘hello smile’ he gave her.

Last night’s events were still fresh in her mind. Who knew such an annoying man could be such a sensational lover?

“You have gorgeous blue eyes…why do you hide them behind glasses?” He murmured, seemingly still half out of it.

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“Well aren’t you sweet in the morning.” She chuckled.

He didn’t respond, opting to trail his fingers along her arm instead.

She smirked as he leaned over to kiss her shoulder, sending small shivers down on her skin. She cupped his face and captured his lips, and he moved atop her to deepen the kiss in response.

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“I really wish I knew your name now.” He said, pulling back slightly.

Amused, she replied. “Erin.”

“Well, Erin, I, Evan, like kissing you.”

“Get down here then you goof.”

***

Xavier’s POV

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Just as the shower started to run loud and clearly in the apartment, Erin quickly sneaked into my room, only half-expecting me to be here.

She glanced behind her with wide eyes, as if she was afraid Evan would suddenly come bursting in.

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I, on the other hand, nearly jumped three feet high when Erin barged in. I’d been just about to slip on my watch and my gloves, but now those were on the ground and my heart was beating a lot more rapidly than the situation asked for.

But Erin didn’t notice this over reaction.

“You’ll never guess what happened.” Erin said, her eyes still wide open.

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“I think I heard what happened.” I said with a slight smirk, keeping my arms close to me.

“Ahh that’s embarrassing…don’t tell me you tried to sleep here!?”

“Obviously not, and you’re lucky Max called to ask if he could stay over at Emily’s house for a sleepover. Came back around 2am, you know, when you guys calmed down.” I said.

Erin hid her face in her hands to hide her reddening cheeks.

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“Oh god, I’m a horrible person.” She moaned.

“Haha, no I doubt that having a one stand means you’re a horrible person.” I laughed, keeping my arms out of sight.

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“Yeah uh…probably was just a one night stand right?” Erin hastily said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Unless it’s not? I don’t know, that’s up to you guys.” I shrugged.

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“Right, of course. Um…I don’t know. Geez just kill me now.” Erin groaned, making me laugh again.

“This is entertaining.”

“Shut up! I feel horrible right now…”

“But?”

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“But damnit he’s good.”

“Mhm. You guys did at least use protection right?” I asked with a smirk.

“Will you shut up? You’re finding this way too amusing.” Erin said. “But yeah obviously, duh, I’m not dumb.”

“Maxwell.” I coughed not so subtly. Erin punched me in the arm.

Knock Knock

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The sound made my grin grow larger.

“Let me guess, Edmund?” Erin asked with a knowing smile.

“Yeah, we’re going out for lunch.” I replied, quickly pushing past Erin to open the front door.

I forgot my gloves on the ground, barely noticing Erin’s sudden change of mood as her eyes drifted down to my arms.

I slung the door open, my smile somehow growing wider as I saw Edmund.

But then an intense feeling of dread gripped me.

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Edmund eyes drifted down to my arms, and I realized with a start that we could see my arms clear as day. I’d been careless, and now Edmund was looking at me with a worried sad expression, and I hastily crossed my arms even though I knew it was too late.

He’d seen.

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And so had Erin.

She came barging out of my room and grabbed my arms, making me wince as she stared at the wounds.

Reality confirmed, she glared at me with disbelieving eyes.

“Xavier…”

I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear having the two people who mattered the most to me look at me with those expressions. Edmund reached out to touch me, but I pulled my arms out of Erin’s grip stumbling backwards.

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“You two, stop it!” I nearly yelled as they converged on me, cornering me. “It’s not what you think!” I exclaimed. Panic was squeezing my chest and I just wanted to rewind time, just for one minute, enough time for me to slip on my gloves.

“It’s not?” Erin forced herself to say.

“It’s not, it’s nothing of the sort.” I hastily said, feeling a little bit of relief seep in. Maybe they would understand. “It’s the only way I can control my magic.”

“No. No.” Erin said, unable to find any word to say. She stepped towards me, and I stepped away, my back hitting the wall. She dug her hands in my pocket and pulled out my phone, scrolling through my contacts.

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“Xavier…” Edmund said, a gentle smile forming on his lips as he reached out for me again, but I wouldn’t have it. I couldn’t stand it. It felt wrong to accept his touch now. Not when he’d seen this. Not when his eyebrows were still raised in a worrying gaze. I turned away from him.

“Erin what are you doing?” I asked. She tossed the phone at me. “What did you do?”

“I texted your dad.” She replied.

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“What? No! No, don,t- don’t involve him in this. Why did you even – don’t bother him with this.” I snapped. Why would she do this!? It’s not that big of a deal, I have it under control!

“I get the distinct feeling you won’t listen to us.” She snapped. “Maybe you’ll listen to him.”

“You didn’t even let me explain properly.” I shot back, my hands tightening into fists.

“There’s no good reason to cut.” Erin said.

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“There is for me! If I don’t my magic is going to spin out of control. Who knows, I could end up exploding! If I don’t do this I could end up killing Max, or you, or you, or anyone at all who’s around when I lose control.” I snapped, glaring at them. But it didn’t matter what I was saying, I could tell they weren’t going to let this go.

“There are other solutions.” Erin said.

“No. Believe me, no.” Short of killing myself? No. Why couldn’t they just understand that? It’s not because I want to, it’s because I have to.

“Maybe if you would’ve talked to me about this, we could’ve found a solution.” Erin said, her voice betraying the pain I was causing her.

“No. No.” Stop arguing, stop cornering me, stop looking like that, just walk away. Just leave me be with this.

“We could look for one. I’m sure there’s another way.” Edmund said determinedly.

“No! You don’t understand! There isn’t one!” I shouted, hating my carelessness even more now. I knew this would happen. I knew they wouldn’t understand.

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A small rush of air filled the room as three people suddenly teleported behind Edmund and Erin.

Damn it Erin!

They were five now, and I was alone in my corner with my magic beating against my veins even though I could smell the incense burning in the kitchen.

Anxiety gripped me as James made his way past Erin and Edmund to stand in front of me.

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He seemed the same, just as stoic, and his jaw clenched as his eyes took in my arms. I folded them against my chest, tired of everyone looking at them, tired of everyone judging me, tired of everyone looking like they were at a loss of what to do with me.

“He says its because he can’t control his magic.” Erin said, and Benjamin peeked over at me from behind Erin.

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Just as everything seemed to close in on me, as the weight of their stares pressed on me, the third person, with dark blue hair, made her way to me, placing herself as a barrier between me and the others.

“Okay! Back up! You’re crowding him!” She said, practically pushing James away. “Everyone except JayJay. Get over here you, we need to teleport to a wide open space.”

“What-” Erin’s words were cut off from my ears as Benjamin touched both the blue-haired woman and me, and teleported us away.

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Benjamin teleported us to an empty field covered with a light snow, before teleporting away again.

The fresh air stole my breath away, and I relaxed slightly my mind feeling a little less panicky. I hadn’t had a claustrophobia attack in months, but I’d had the feeling I was about to have one right there, with all of them closing in on me.

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I shakily brought a hand to my temples, a little bit of magic seeping out.

How do I fix this?

The cold winter air snipped at this morning’s wounds.

How do I get them to understand?

I exhaled, my breath visible in the air.

How do I get them to stop looking at me like that?

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“There, you feeling better?” The woman asked, spinning around to face me. “You were looking like a mouse caught in a trap.”

Her blue hair suddenly reminded me of someone. I think I’ve met her before? Wasn’t she a journalist?

I hesitantly nodded, noticing how her eyes weren’t glued to my arms, how her face wasn’t full of pity. It felt like I was wearing my gloves again.

Oh god, what was I going to do now? An uncomfortable pulse of magic traveled in my arm.

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“Okay good, first off, I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to come and say hi. I got swamped with work and your father and Kyxa kind of just dropped the bomb ‘oh yeah by the way you’re aunt to another kid.’” She said, rolling her eyes. “Before I forget, I’m Nixanne.”

Oh, one of the many siblings James has. James who was probably disappointed in me now. Erin who was beyond angry at me. Edmund who was probably wondering who I had become.

And my sixth sense, which had decided to shut itself up, which was refusing to give me the confirmations and the answers I needed.

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All I did was lift my arm. It was meant to be a simple gesture, a hello, or to shake her hand, or something else!

But it was the movement my magic needed, responding to the stress I was feeling, it shot out of my fingertips like a dreadful blade.

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And it acted as one.

It sped towards Nixanne at a frightening speed, cutting her cheek before flying off behind her, eventually dissolving before it hit a tree.

I immediately clenched my fists willing my magic to calm down. My magic’s never hurt someone before.

“I’m sorry.” I hastily said.

“It’s absolutely fine, don’t worry about it.” She said sternly.

“Look I’m having trouble keeping my magic in check, it might be better if you just left.” I said, my arms glued to my side. Then maybe I could find something, anything, to release the blood in my veins. “I don’t even know why you got tagged along.”

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“Probably because your father thinks I can help, since I have some experience.” She said, giving me a look that clearly indicated she had no intention of leaving. She rolled up her sleeves, showing me her arms which had faint, barely visible, scars along them.

I swallowed. “I’m not trying to be offensive, but I really doubt it’s the same thing.”

“I beg to differ.” She said. “I had cut because I couldn’t find any other way to express…to cope with what I was dealing with then.”

“I don’t have any trouble-”

“I’m not a supernatural, but I have no doubt that’s a side of you you need to take care of. What makes cutting so special when it comes to controlling your magic?”

It’s not time for talking! What is she even still doing here? I could lose control again!

I ended up replying anyway, hoping to just get her out of here as soon as possible. “It…it’s like the unstable part of my magic accumulates in my blood. And when I…cut, it releases it.”

“Awesome, now that’s a-”

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My hand twitched and a spark of magic shot out of it and hit the snowbank to my left, making a gaping dark hole in it.

“You need to get out of here right now or hand me something sharp.” I said, my arms already beginning to pulse. How was it possible to have less and less control every time?

“Or…” Nixanne leaned over and snatched my phone, calling herself and then handing it back to me. I looked at her questioningly. How could she be so calm? Didn’t she understand? “Just take it.”

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She started to walk away, bringing the phone to her ear and motioning for me to do the same.

“There, now we can talk without you constantly worrying about losing control.”

“I still am! I don’t think you understand. I have enough power to do a lot of damage.” I said, my arms trembling under the effort of keeping my magic in.

“Here’s my theory,” Nixanne said. “Your magic isn’t the problem. It’s just a reaction. I think there are some things that you haven’t been dealing with that maybe need attention.”

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“You’re veering off track, it’s just me not being able to keep it all-” I cut off my own voice, gritting my teeth, as a painful pulse passed through my arms.

“See, I’ve heard a few things. You had a friend in highschool who died.” Nixanne asked.

“I don’t see what Oliver has to do-”

“Your best friend murdered her parents.” My blood froze, the image of the blood soaked kitchen drifting behind my eyelids.

“How do you-”

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“You watched a friend die during your university studies.” She said next, her knowing voice slithering into my ear.

Olistan. I could still taste that horrible night air, I could still see his pale face from the loss of blood. My hand came up to grip my shirt as a soft pulsing glow appeared under my skin.

“You saw James kill one of the detectives following you.” She continued, and that silent death flashed in my mind, the soft thud the only sound from that murder.

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“Stop.” I croaked out, dropping the phone into the snow. Because I knew who was next. The most recent. The most horrible of them all.

Even with my phone face down in the snow, her voice reached up to me.

“You witnessed Kyxa’s death.”

I could hear it. I could hear the sound.

Thump. Thump. Thump

The sound of the bat hitting her body.

Ha ha ha!

The sound of that woman’s cackling laughter.

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One pulse, a small wave of magic reached out and I dropped to my knees, my magic nestling inside my lungs, building up, piling over itself, accumulating.

Thump. Ha!. Thud. Splash. Silence.

Each flash of death I pushed back was coming forth again.

Thought you were done with us? Thought you could tilt back a drink and forget us like you were losing your memories again?

We haunt your nightmares. We haunt your magic. We haunt your thoughts.

We haunt your footsteps.

“No, no, no, no,” I muttered over and over to myself as I distinctly felt my magic accumulating for a single purpose – release.

Whatever control I had left disappeared.

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An explosion.

My mind blasting with light.

My insides pouring out.

It happened in an instant. The tiny bubble of condensed magic inside me exploded out of every pore on my body, attacking the air around like vicious whips, the snow sizzling and melting all around me.

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I was left feeling drained with barely an ounce of magic still circulating in my veins.

I gripped my abdomen, my head spinning as a nauseating feeling settled in my stomach.

My fingers were tingling and the air felt almost electric.

I was afraid to look up.

“I think…” Nixanne began, her footsteps crunching against the dry dirt.

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“Your problem isn’t your magic. I think your magic is just responding to your mental issues.” Nixanne said, crouching down.

I exhaled slowly as my heartbeat started to calm down.

“I think you haven’t dealt with all the things that happened. Have you ever heard of post traumatic stress disorder? Yeah well, it’s just a name.” Nixanne sighed, leaning her head into her hand.

My eyes were glued to the naked ground.

What did I do?

The snow’s gone and the static in the air is making my hair stand on end.

What did I destroy?

Nixanne placed her hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look up, forcing me to see the snow still present on the faraway hills, forcing me to see nothing seemed to have suffered that much damage.

“My diagnosis is complete. Now do you want to get yourself out of this hole you’ve dug? To avoid this from happening again?” She asked, her blue eyes smiling.

I swallowed and nodded, managing to croak out an answer. “Yeah.”

“Good.”

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“Then here’s what you do. We’re going to go back to your apartment and you’re going to comfort your friends and family.”

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“Don’t give me that look, they weren’t trying to eat you alive, they were just worried and surprised. That’s a good thing. Tell them why you started cutting, and then tell them you’ll stop. Yes! You’ll stop! Don’t look so surprised geez.There’s another solution, and that’s dealing with the deaths you’ve lived through.”

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“You drink alcohol too don’t you? I can smell it on your breath and in your apartment. I have a refined nose for that, believe me. What do you mean ‘what does that have to do with anything?’. Do you realize what time it is? Who drinks alcohol in the morning?? I’m going to go on a not so far out limb and say you’re an alcoholic. Okay, you don’t believe me? Then just stop drinking and come see me in a few days and tell me how you’re feeling. So yeah basically, you’re going to stop drinking. Throw it all down the sink if you need to. It’s just an excuse to avoid your problems.”

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“That weird incense in your kitchen too…throw that out. Helps you control your magic? Even more reason to throw it. If you depend on outside things to help you it’s not going to work! You have to deal with this first and foremost with what you already possess. That being you, and the support of the people around you.”

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“Also, it’s now mandatory that you practice with your magic a little every day. Not only it’s in general healthy for a witch to do that, but it’ll help you control it. Nightmares? Hmm, well magic wise it shouldn’t be a problem for the next few days, time for your magic to recharge.”

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“BUT, every time you have a nightmare now write it down, or talk about it. Try to understand what it meant. Nightmares originate from somewhere. And most importantly talk about the deaths. I know its hard, but all the more reason. You’re not the only one are you? I bet it would do James some good to talk about Kyxa.”

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“It’s going to be hard at first, I get that, I’m asking a lot out of you too. You don’t completely realize it right now, but I’m basically asking you to go into withdrawal of about three addictions. You’re going to get cranky, you’re going to start hating stuff, even people.”

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“You’re going to start staring longingly at that beer bottle, or that sharp object or that stick of incense lying in the trash. And you’re not going to understand at first why your friends won’t let you be. It won’t be a big sacrifice for you, it’s just going to be one indulgence and it’ll stop there. But believe me it never does. It’s important that you never give in to those feelings.”

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“Always go talk to someone when you get it, they’ll understand. Go do something else, take a walk outside. I swear to you, if you do all this, and if you confront your fears, if you accept what’s happened, you will get better. Your nightmares will stop. You will have control over your magic. I promise you this. And if that doesn’t happen, I give you permission to come and yell at me. Break a few of my porcelain plates if you feel like it. I really like those plates so you can see how serious this promise is. Okay? Come on.”

She said, extending her hand to help me up.

Yeah okay, I can do this.

 

 

 

Oh? Oh what is this I smell? *sniffs* Ah yes, a time jump.

The beginning of this chapter started without the knowledge that it would end like this to be honest -_-‘, but Nixanne came along and decided to fix everything so I let her be.

Credit: Once again all light shows are just images I took from google and modified a bit.

About blamsart

♪They say it's what you make♪ I say it's up to fate ♪It's woven in my soul♪ I need to let you go♪ -- Demons by Imagine Dragons
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11 Responses to 8.63 – Touching the bottom

  1. EEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!! OMG! love love love love Ever!!!! and Nixanne, oh my angel it was so good to see you again 🙂 I’m so glad that someone finally made Xav realise what the problem was! I always knew it wasn’t his magic that was the problem… His mind just needs to be cleansed of all his survivors guilt…

    Liked by 2 people

    • blamsart says:

      People like Ever, this is very good 🙂

      Nixanne was the obvious choice for James. I mean he still remembers the scare she gave them back in highschool. (I missed her too :D, she’s growing old though ;-;)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. quackermole says:

    YAY!!
    I am so glad Nixanne made an appearance! And that was damn good advice she gave too.

    And Ever! O_o I had forgotten he didn’t know her name!!!! But….. I LOVE IT! And the part where Xav heard Ever…. I cracked up so much!! XD They are perfect! Love. Love. Love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. autumnrein says:

    Oh Nix.. you so fantastic.

    Erin and Evan. Too wonderful XD

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t usually prefer the use of forced interventions, but hell, sometimes they’re necessary and can be damn effective! Not always—sometimes they can backfire horribly, but I’m so, so freaking relieved that it didn’t backfire here.

    Also, god how beautiful that Nixanne was the one to help him. I seriously can’t think of a person better suited to helping him. She knows all too well how that suffocating darkness feels; how tunnel vision can set in and how it can seem that there’s no other way out. Ahhhhhhhhh *grabs onto Nixanne and hugs her tightly* You’re wonderful and amazing and fdjfkhdfksfa. I love her ❤

    That whole scene was beautiful by the way. Nixanne finally making Xavier’s demons apparent to him; giving a name to them so that he now knows where to start in dealing with them; his magic bursting forth and evaporating all the snow. So well doneeeeee. So, so well done. I feel like Xavier finally sees the ladder that’s been there in the darkness this whole time, and can now begin to climb it and indeed get out of this noxious hole.

    And then it just got even more and more beautiful. The directions Nixanne gave him, the guide on how to best traverse that ladder and the knowledge of what will try to stop him from making his way to the top. I got teary-eyed, not gonna lie. This hits pretty damn close to home.

    Yeah, Xavier. You really can do this ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • blamsart says:

      I was really scared I’d mess up this chapter to be honest. it was a pivotal point in Xav’s life, that if badly done, i’d regret for a long time.
      BUT it was better than i could’ve expected!
      And yes, of everyone, James really did choose the best gal to tag along.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ahaha, to be honest, when I saw where the chapter was headed I got a little scared myself, because I’ve seen writers approach mental issues with….*sigh* Well, just…a lack of sensitivity and knowledge? And I try not to get too mad about it because I know not everyone has the same knowledge or even experiences, but it’s quite frustrating and hurtful for me when I see them mistreated, stereotyped, perpetuating misconceptions, etc etc (which is why I got so furious at James’ POV of Nixanne’s pain) and I just….You didn’t do that. I felt you approached it from a sensitive standpoint and with having some obvious knowledge of your own, whether you researched it or whatever it may be, and I actually found myself letting out that breath of relief and yes, tearing up! So thank you for that and thank you for this. I appreciated it more than I can accurately convey. *hugs*

        And hey, it just dawned upon me again that James once more recognized one of his weaknesses, and brought along someone who could make up for it, just like he did with Annaliese. This increases my respect for him because it means that he’s been pretty self-reflective and that even though he may not ever be that empathetic compassionate person, he can at least acknowledge that aspect of him and then reach out to others who are to help him, and that shows a great deal of self-knowledge and strength, so….another respectful nod to James from me. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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