~Diary of a Salandra Grace~

I’m considering this as a one-shot but posting it now instead of having a vote for it because I think it’ll be better appreciated here. I wrote this for Boolprop a few weeks ago, and I decided I might as well post it here.

Consider this an intermission between 9.32 and 9.33. After Jesse drags Sal over to ask Niko if he has a crush on anyone.

Without further ado, here’s something I found crumpled up in the Grace garbage.

Dear diary,

I don’t like writing diaires. And you’re not even a diary. You’re just a piece of paper I found lying on the floor, but I hear of so many girls my age having diaries, and I hear writing your thoughts down on paper can help you.

But I’m not too sure where to start. I don’t want to be your stereotypical girl who scribbles hearts all over the paper and writes his name in fancy colors and adds sparkles to it. That’s just going to make me cringe when I read this again.

Am I going to read this again?

And I don’t want to get depressing and talk about my mother. Or my father. I guess I could talk about my uncle…

He’s a nice enough man. Half of you know him I’m sure. His name is Chase Grace and he’s a famous pianist. His music is really good. He’s a really serious hardworking man, and he’s a kind person too. He’s letting me live with him while mom is in the hospital.

I guess I should be talking about myself. There’s not much to say I guess. Only that I don’t know how to be myself. Deep down I’m kind of a mean person (or so I’ve been told) so I try to be nice, like everyone wants me to. But it gets so hard!

You have to be nice, because when you’re mean people leave you. Because who wants to stay around someone who’s mean? No one. No one at all. Especially someone who’s mean AND smart. So what do you do? You be kind and maybe a little stupid. When you’re stupid it boosts people’s ego. They feel better about themselves.

My god how boring. Nobody’s going to read this. Dear diary, you probably really just want me to fangirl over my crush. And I do have one, so I guess I could. And I would’ve jumped on it a few months ago, but dozens of people have been telling me to give up these days. Usually saying he doesn’t deserve me or weird stuff like that just to make me feel better.

I like him. I really really like him.

And I have no idea if he likes me back.

Because he’s never shown any indication of being romantically interested in anyone at all? Or maybe he’s really good at hiding it???? I tried subtly confessing once, but I forgot he was dense or maybe he understood what I was trying to convey and he decided to ignore it??? His sister used to root for me, but now she’s saying there’s no chance and that I should give up. When people meet him they always ask me why, why would I possibly like someone who’s that hot-headed, arrogant, self-centered, reckless and dense?

Which are totally legit questions that I cannot answer. I wish I had an answer. He has interesting things to say? He’s cute. He’s loyal to his friends (reaching that level is not easy let me tell you. I’m not even sure I’m there yet. Most of the time it feels like I’m just background to him). He goes on daring adventures. He loves to sniff out mysteries. He moves quickly, you have to run to keep up with him.

But I want to. I want to be able to run by his side, not behind him. I want him to see me as an equal. Maybe I’m not as smart as him, but I’m strong. I’m resourceful. I can help him.

But he sees me as fragile. Like a porcelain doll on a shelf.

But if I show him how strong I really am, he’ll leave me.

Do you know what my dad said to my mom before he left?

It’s not our fault.

There’s nothing we could’ve done.

She was just born this ungrateful.

This selfish.

This rude.

 

I give up.

 

She’s all yours.

I repeat these words in my mind every day before I go to sleep. So I can remind myself what not to be.

I would never give up. Ever ever ever ever ever ever